Chile Chooses Earthquake Over Clinton Visit

On hearing news of next week's planned visit fron U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,  the Chilean Government has taken a questionable step.

In an unprecedented act this morning, the Governing body of Chile unleashed an earthquake of 8.8 magnitude on it's people and infrastructure. "It's a necessary move." Said Chilean ambassador Mariano Fernández anonymously.

When asked if these types of slash and burn tactics were absolutely necessary, Chilean President Michele Bachelet said simply, "We are elected to make the tough decisions. The people must be spared the horror."

The Ambassador and President were of course referring to the 2009 September incident reported by The Onion News Network in which Hillary Clinton was used in an historic first strike against Pakistan, causing chaos and despair throughout the region.

When informed that The Onion is in fact a satirical online magazine and that the story they referred to is merely parody, the Ambassador replied "Satire? Really? I would have to ask the Pakistani people about that." President Bachelet, nonplussed, said "Are you sure? I saw it on the internet..."




MNR reporter iRoomba is on the ground in the capitol city of Santiago vacuuming up details of the quake: "The devastation is beyond anything I've ever witnessed. I remember first owner commenting on state of son's room once, saying "It looks like tornado hit this place." This is far worse than that. These guys are needing some serious cleanup. They may want to hire some maids. And a dumpster."

The people of Hawaii and the eastern coast of California are bracing for the resultant tsunami which could develop as a result of the 8.8 quake. Surfers are lining the beaches. Some have already begun to paddle out to get ahead of other thrill seekers anticipating the massive waves.  In a scene reminiscent of the movie Point Break, one excited young Californian was heard saying "It's a once in a lifetime event man! You would have to travel to the other side of the effin' world for a wave like this! Special order dude. Special order!" - We wish them luck.

Unfortunately, the move may not have the desired effect. Mrs. Clinton is said to still be planning her trip to the region. "We can't let this crisis go to waste. Those Chileans might have some groovy necklaces and stuff for sale. Prices would be really low right now."
Sources at Fox News:

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is scheduled to fly to Latin America Sunday for a weeklong trip, including a stop in Chile. Crowley said the department is "assessing, but no change yet."

In a prepared statement this morning President Obama's teleprompter reportedly said, "This tragedy could have been avoided. If we had seized the opportunity. If we had passed Health Care Reform, none of this would have happened."


MNR's on the ground reporter iRoomba remains on the scene and is currently at his docking station getting a much needed recharge. We'll bring you more when he unplugs.