Tiger Woods' Two Headed Love Child

>> December 3, 2009

Tiger Woods, champion golfer, drives the ball ...Image via Wikipedia
I must fake a confession. My imaginary girlfriend has, for centuries, been in a clandestine relationship with Tiger Woods. She is about to give birth to his fiftieth fictitious lovechild. I am "this close" to filing a cosmetic law suit against all applicable parties due to the fact that I wasn't invited to said parties. I feel left out, so I'm lashing out in the only way I know how. Writing about the imaginary transgressions and hoping it garners a few web hits...    And whining.

It goes without saying that Tigger has more money than God. He's hot. And he can woo the smartest and most beautiful women in the world. Yet I'm left feeling sorry for him. Why is this?

Call the Waaambulance...

I don't feel sorry for the self imposed solitude that must accompany such an existence as his. Kings are forced to live in castles of  stone, surrounded by moats, guarded by knights and containing... (wait for it)... CONCUBINES!  (What a pity.) But as envious of him as I am, I am also sympathetic to his circumstances. He may have ventured outside the castle to "sample" a bit of the "real" world (for thirty-one months?). Lord only knows the level of debauchery that I would stoop to, given such a bank account and accolades.  But the point is, Tiger is human. Humans make mistakes. Some humans make Gargantuan Mistakes. It is not up to me to forgive the man. I already have. He's not a religious leader. He's definitely not a polititian, although we could debate for days the morality of many of those political types. No. It's up to his wife and children to forgive. And watching Tiger for the last ten years or so, I've no doubt that he can eventually calm the public maelstrom that he has created. The private is another matter.

I hope he has FTD on speed dial, and that FTD has a million roses on hand.

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So, the band wagon is about to leave the barn. Mark my prediction... More bimbos are soon to come out of the wood(s)work, truthful or not, here they come.  I sincerely hope Tiger and his family are ready for the storm.

Didn't I mention "Two Headed Love Child"? The accusation wouldn't surprise me.

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